Like most women – well, I assume most women – I had already worked out what sort of mother I would be well before I was a mother. I was lucky to have a few friends and family members who had babies before me; so, from the heights of my own self-righteousness, I watched and made note of what they did and did not do. I would formulate in my mind what I would or would not have done if I were in their situation – sound familiar? I had a lot of ideas about parenting before I actually became a parent. Oh, how my friends would scoff and say, ‘just you wait!’.Whilst pregnant, I often had my nose in a baby book. I remember laying in the bath, my rounded belly bouncing in the overly bubbled water, my swollen feet (where had my ankles gone?) sticking out and hanging over the edge of the bath. I eagerly poured over each page so that I would be ‘prepared’ for what was to come. I read everything. In my own mind, I had planned out what would happen when it was time to have the baby and when it was time bring the baby home.
I was going to be a strong, disciplined and resilient mother. Quite simply, I was going to be in control at all times. I was going to be prepared.
But, I was not in control, nor was I prepared.
The cords of control that were so tightly wrapped around my life – or so I thought – were beginning to slip out of my hands. I first realised this in the first trimester of my pregnancy. Before I was pregnant, I had images of myself maintaining my size eight figure and having just a small, rounded and firm belly. I was not going to gain any weight, nor have any other pregnancy-related issues. Boy, was I in for a surprise. My body took over and became a baby-cooking machine, and I had very little say in what it did.
The cords of control continued to slip out of my hands throughout my pregnancy, but I continued to try and hold on tight. The next little reminder that I had very little say over my life was when I was told that my baby was breech and there was little chance that he would turn because the amniotic fluid was low. I remember my specialist telling me to start preparing for a caesarean. When I heard this, I was shattered. This was not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a natural birth. I had already psyched myself up for the pain and torment of childbirth. I had been to my antenatal classes, I knew what to expect. I was going to be superwoman and do the whole labour without drugs. This was going to be my chance to prove to the world that I was strong and invincible. Unfortunately, that was not going to be. So, once again, I had to change my thinking and come to terms with the fact that I was not able to determine my life.
After the birth of my baby boy, Jack, I still had a lot to learn. Knowing that I had read all there was to read on newborns, I thought that I would know exactly what to expect. I had envisaged how I would be and how the baby would be. Boy, didn't my world crumble around me when I brought my little baby home for the first time. I was not prepared for how I would react to this new experience at all. I did not foresee how the emotions, lack of sleep and all the changes to my life would effect me. I did not expect to feel so low, nor did I expect to guiltily want my previous life back, hungrily seeking ‘normality’. I assumed everything would come naturally. Oh, how I was wrong, wrong, wrong.
Throughout the first 3 months of being a new mother I continued to struggle with not being in control. I wanted my baby to be in a routine. I wanted him to sleep when I wanted him to sleep and I fought so hard to make it so, even though it was blatantly obvious that Jack would do what he wanted to do and I did not have any say about it.
What surprised me most was the lack of confidence and decisiveness that I experienced in the first few weeks. I was always – and I guess, will continue to be – second-guessing myself, never knowing whether I was ‘doing the right thing’. I realise now that when I do not have control over the many facets in my life, I lose so much confidence. This has been a huge challenge for me and it will continue to be a challenge, as I am not in control, nor will I ever be.
It’s now been nearly four months since our baby boy was born. In the first few weeks, I found it quite hard to believe when my friends and family said, ‘it gets better’. I have understood that letting go of control does not mean that things will fall apart. I can create the environment and opportunities, but the rest is up to my baby. It's important to listen to what your baby is saying to you and allow yourself to be flexible.
Motherhood has been an incredible adjustment, much more than I ever expected, but I now feel that I am finally enjoying being a mum and spending time with my baby is a real joy. It's true, it has gotten better.
Bronwyn Ralphs
